BDSM and spanking: Is spanking a gateway drug?

All sorts of kinkiness

This blog was partially inspired by a piece written a short time ago on FetLife by a spanking fetishist I know, titled Celebrating Being a Spanko~! He writes that he’s sometimes heard the phrase, “Spanking is the gateway to kink,” which of course is not true. We all have different paths. If you’re interested in various things but spanking is the first thing you try, you could call it the gateway. But you could just have easily have tried bondage or wax play first.

There are perpetual intellectual debates about the differences between spanking and BDSM. I’ve said it before—I believe spanking is part of BDSM, but for the sake of simplicity here I’ll refer to one realm as spanking and the other realm as BDSM.

For me I came gradually into spanking, having explored many types of kinky sexual play when I was younger. My first public parties were spanking parties because they seemed safe, and there seemed to be a big emphasis on keeping sex separate. Even if couples were combining sex and spanking in private, there was no visible sexual play at these parties.

More than spanking

But soon I found myself at PaddlesNYC, probably within the first month of coming out, and my play that night was not just spanking play. (There’s no sex at Paddles, either, but there is more sexual touching and play allowed there).

As far as the condescending notion about spanking being a “gateway drug,” I’ve never heard a mainstream kinkster say anything like that to me, but then again, my immersion into the scene went the other way: S&M was more my gateway to spanking.

I feel more at home at spanking parties—it’s sometimes easier to find play partners at spanking parties than at larger kink events. And I’ve gone to many more weekend spanking parties than weekend BDSM parties, so I’ve gotten to know a core group in the spanking community.

Worlds colliding

However, I feel reasonably comfortable in both worlds. In local BDSM circles, I have known for being a spanko. And I like that people seek me out for canings or strappings or OTK spankings.

Last weekend, at the TES Fest, I had the pleasure of topping a rather well-known member of our community (he needed a hard caning), as well as a lovely young woman who needed a nurturing OTK spanking.

I feel it is when I am seeking Tops or Doms in the BDSM world when I run into trouble. As a bottom, I enjoy spanking play, often severe, and I have a punishment fetish that goes along with that. I often run into Tops who don’t want to spank me because “it’s not a punishment if it’s what you want.” I’ll tell them that I want to be spanked hard enough that I am struggling … hard enough that during the spanking I won’t like it.

Still, they say, “But it will turn you on later.” And … your point? All of it’s play—even the punishment part. So it’s OK to pick a punishment that turns me on, if you ask me.

But if a top insists on “punishing” me in some way other than spanking, it will probably still turn me on because he’s making me take pain. My fetishes—spanking, punishment, being controlled, fear, and pain—all sort of melt together. It’s hard to explain this to some BDSM doms. Still, none of them ever put me down because I’m a spanko.

There are actually a lot of spankos who go to these “other” events. Some of them may be spankos plus something else, some not. And there are spankos who only go to spanking parties … but do various other types of play behind closed doors.

So no, I don’t think spanking is a gateway drug, but many of us go out and explore other play even if our first love is spanking play. And others stick just to spanking. It’s all about what turns you on.

Following protocol

I’m attending a small “protocol” party tonight in Long Island, a gathering in which there are formal rules in place for subs—and doms, too, I suppose, because they need to be aware of what’s expected. I would have preferred to do this as a bottom first, as I’ve wanted to explore this for quite some time.

But I didn’t want to be a solo sub, or what the hosts are calling “house” subs. On the one hand, there is no pressure to play with anyone. But on the other hand, there is no one expecting you to play.

The subs are expected to bring and set up the food, serve their doms and the others, and clean up. None of that would bother me in the least. What bothers me is not having a special someone to do it for. I wrote recently that I am seeking a part-time dom. I’m currently “interviewing” candidates, but I don’t have that person in my life just yet.

So I decided to attend the party as a Dom, with a new friend (a friend of a friend) attending as my sub. I met the gentleman about a month ago at another Long Island party, and he’s a good guy—intelligent, able to articulate what he wants, and attractive. He is more into service than taking pain, but that does not mean we won’t have fun. I watched him give an awesome foot rub at the other party and I always enjoy a good foot rub. He says he’s good at neck and head massage, too. All good.

When I am on the sub side of things, I LOVE having someone take charge and tell me what to do. I don’t know if all subs are like this, but probably most are. So I felt it important that I come up with at least a few rules for the evening.

*Call me ‘Ma’am,’ not ‘Mistress.’

*If you need to use the bathroom or change position, ask politely, then thank me.

*If you are bringing me an appetizer, bring a plate with several appetizers to offer to others.

I also told him to bring me some dark chocolate, and to try to bring some for the hostess as well. For our meal, he’s bringing a healthy dish; I told him I was trying to eat better. But I added another rule: If I choose to eat something unhealthy, he is not permitted to mention it!

The stated rules of the party include:

*All submissives must sit on the floor when seated unless they have physical restrictions.

*Submissives must not initiate conversation with any Dominant.

*Any Dominant may ask any submissive to get them a beverage or napkin or something to nibble on. This should not be construed as usurping anyone’s authority.

*Tidying up as the evening progresses is the responsibility of all submissives present.  Those not participating in housekeeping duties reflect poorly on their Mistress or Master.

*If the Dominant wishes to make an example of their errant sub then they should do so in any way they wish (within house guidelines)

Having someone serve me will be fun. It should happen more often! But I plan on doing more than eating dinner and watching subs clean up the kitchen. I told him: “I will have a short strap with me. It is not severe. I may use it on your butt, back or hand. Or I may just spank you.” 

More about the World Spanking Party

As I said in my last post, I got to meet some very cool people at the World Spanking Party, and I got to spend more time talking to folks I have met before but didn’t know that well. I’m pretty sure I have finally learned the names of all of “The Brits”–the ones who tend to travel en masse to Shadow Lane and the Boardwalk Badness Weekend. But the WSP did have folks from Spain, Germany, Ireland, a few more from the UK, the US, Canada, Holland and I think a few other places as well. Am I wrong or was there someone from Australia there? That seems like an awful long way to travel for a weekend party–I hope they had other things to see and do while in Europe.

As I mentioned, Cambridge Ian and I had a date to play, and since it had been so hectic at the Villa the night before, we decided to hang at the hotel for a while on Saturday morning and early afternoon. I was due back late-afternoon for the Female-topping-males party. Rad and I had lunch, I showered and changed then met Ian at his room, down the hall from ours.

I was not so nervous about playing and making noise, since I thought he’d mostly be using the cane. But he surprised me by saying a needed a good warm up first, and proceeded to spank me. The sounded echoed loudly and as a result I found it hard to relax. There’s nervousness because of pain, and anticipation of more pain, and then there’s anxiety that any minute now you’re going to get a knock on your door. He had the end room on the floor and he said he was pretty sure there wasn’t anyone in the room next to his, but I wasn’t sure. And sound can carry into and down a hallway pretty easily. I tried to let it go and relax.

I might have written about Ian before, although, maybe not. He has this interesting caning style where he pretty much canes a person for a good 15, 20 minutes without a break. He did this first with one of his canes and then with the new Dragon cane I’d purchased at the vendor fair the night before.

Not all his strokes are heavy–he does this tap-tap-tapping for a while, increases the intensity, lets a solid stroke fly, goes back to the tapping, lets another good stroke land, back to the tapping, another good stroke, and then a REALLY hard stroke. then sometimes 7-10 good strokes in a row, followed by a REALLY hard stroke. The patterns are not predictable, and there was no way I could keep count, but at one point about halfway through the second cane, I did try to count and figured there were close to 100 “real” strokes that I could count — between that and the other cane I’d probably taken around 300-400.

It’s hard to write about it without reminiscing pleasantly on the scene–I was feeling the endorphins or serotonin or whatever drug was being released as a response to the pain–but the pain was real, and I yelped and gasped at a lot of the strokes. I was determined to maintain position throughout and I did a fairly good job although there were times when I bucked or twisted slightly. I was gripping the end of the mattress during some of the harder volleys.

Ian said he doesn’t play that hard with most people, which made me happy. I thought it was a pretty hot scene.

I THINK I’m still kinky

The last couple of weeks have felt full of work, with some fun vanilla activities here and there, too, but not much in the way of kinky—except for the Manhattan Spanking Party, which is a classy, somewhat subdued affair. I haven’t let loose since Shadow Lane, and I don’t know when my last non-spanking scene party was.

I was trying to work out some rope play at Marcus’ Rope U class last month (a friend had expressed interest in my being his practice bottom and I was hoping to refresh some of my own rope skills), but it turned out I had a conflict. The next one is this coming Sunday, and I have another conflict—Sunday is LILNR’s annual Oktoberfest—which, from what I understand is just a social party with no play (maybe I’m wrong about that; if so, it would be nice to play. I owe Johnny a caning…)

Rad & I have been getting along great. I don’t miss going out all that much. I do feel like I must stay connected, however—it is easy for me to fall into a comfortable rut. I can easily convince myself that “no one will miss me.” Of course no one’s waiting for me to walk through the door before they can declare a party has started, but I think at least a few key people like seeing me show up at events.

It wouldn’t be that hard to set up a play date. I know I could coordinate a spanking—and more—with certain old friends here in New York or Philadelphia. Sometimes I don’t pursue these things because I don’t want to be vulnerable.

It’s crazy. I do want to be vulnerable, but it has to be “right.” And right now I’m not sure when it will be right. What is causing this? I’m going to be totally honest and just say it: I feel a little sour, a little sad, about certain players making me feel really special when I am with them and then almost practically disappearing.

There is a little voice that sometimes still whispers to me, “Isn’t there a Dom out there who can treat you like you’re special?” And there may be, but I’m not looking right now. Given my own pickiness about partners and the limits that my marriage puts on such a connection, it may not ever happen. I can’t do it 24/7, that’s for sure. And I can’t do it long-distance. Won’t work.

Again, I start toying with the notion of finding a female dom. That’s probably even harder to find than a male dom. But they are out there. I remember scenes I did with M. Blair. And Liz. And Miss Holly (pictured above, strapping me). All tough, scary but nice, ladies. I loved those scenes.

On the flip side, there are a few women out there that I’d love to be dominant to. I don’t know how they feel about it—they are friends only—and I’ve been afraid to ask.

I’ll have to decide what I want to pursue. There’s time. I am still kinky and it’s OK to chill for a while. I’m just going to work on staying connected, in the meantime.

Weekend at TES

This is going to be a wild weekend. I’ll be playing with Rad, I’ll be playing with my Dom, I’ll be topping a few people and who knows?–I may bottom to someone new and interesting as well. I’m giving a demo, signing and selling books, and participating in a celebrity auction. I’m also volunteering at the registration desk on Saturday and Sunday mornings.

In between and after my commitments, I’ll be attending classes, socializing, and playing.

This will be an adventure of sorts as it’s the first time Rad has been to a BDSM event (I haven’t been to that many, myself, but I did go to TES Fest 30–ten years ago.) On top of that, it’s the first weekend event I’ve attended with both Rad and my Dom. There’s going to have to be some scheduling and coordination. I want to make them both happy (as well as make myself happy), so I’m crossing my fingers that it all will work out smoothly. My Dom and I have a standing agreement that our play does not interfere with my marriage. Meanwhile, Rad is open to the situation and will give us some space to play — I just need to also play with my husband as well.

Monday afternoon I’ll be teaching a class on spanking, with the specific theme being “Payback doesn’t have to be a bitch: Topping for Bottoms.” More information is available on the class descriptions at TESFest.org. I’m hoping to open up more people to the idea that even if you identify more as a bottom, you can still be a very good top.

I’m about packed, will be heading into the city shortly to pick up Rad from work, and then we’ll be on the way. Crossing fingers that Holland Tunnel traffic isn’t horrendous.