I want … I don’t want … I want …

03 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment

by cassandrapark in Uncategorized

When my Dom picks up the clover clamps I get this clammy feeling of fear, and my body doesn’t quite know how to prepare. I am afraid, but yet my mind cannot seem to recall the actual sensation of the pain on my nipples. It comes out as a vague idea like, “Yes, I remember it was a bad pain last time.”

But my inner tough girl remembers getting through the pain and even orgasming through it (or maybe because of it). So that piece of my brain says, “You can take it. You are strong. It wasn’t so bad, and remember that time it got you off? You want this.” Yes, it was bad, I argue with myself, it’s always bad. “But you can take it,” my other half replies.

As he approaches and positions my nipple, about to put the clamp on, I am trying to do some focused breathing, I am trying not to react too strongly. I look at him, a part of me wanting him to stop, another part aching for him to do it, and not understanding why. If he looks me in the eye it is more intense. He doesn’t have to say a word, but I know he’s not going to stop. I feel this certain detached appreciation for the way he knows how much something hurts and he does it anyway.

He attaches the first clamp. A rush of searing pain shoots through me and I gasp. It’s bad. Oh, yes, it’s bad, worse than I remembered. Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god. Sometimes I yelp. I try to be quiet but I’m not always good at it. And I’m sure at the very least I’m making faces, wincing, scrunching up my eyes. (Sometimes he tells me to be quiet and to stop making faces. It’s so hard. I try.) He puts the other clamp on the other nipple and that’s bad, too. Bad, bad, pain. But good power exchange.

I am not “into” nipple play, I would not seek this out. I am “into” being pushed beyond my comfort zone, being made to take things I don’t want, being made to take things that scare me. So, being not into nipple play and knowing that my Dom is, and that he will make me take it, is part of the thrill. If I were more “into” it, it wouldn’t be as exciting.

But yet … I somehow think my body is into what my brain says I hate. I begin to crave it. Or I crave being made to take it.

The clamps are held together by a chain, not a particularly heavy chain but not light, either. The chain carries the potential for more pain. I’ve talked about predicament bondage in the past. This is exactly one way it can be used, by applying additional tension on the clamps (see below).

He tells me to go downstairs to get something. As I walk the chain sways, tugs against the clamp, making my nipples hurt with each step. I feel a little disappointed in myself. Why can’t I be tougher? Why do I have such a hard time accepting this type of pain? But I AM accepting it, I remind myself. I’m not saying no. I’m not safewording out.

But I don’t want this … no, I want this … I don’t want this … I want this. He scares me; he turns me on, he wants to hurt me, he knows I need to be hurt. Ha. And it scares me sometimes that he knows that. But it’s too late.

From Wikipedia: The clover clamp, also referred to as a “butterfly clamp”, is of Japanese design and can provide increasing tension if pulled. The clamp itself is flat, about 5 cm by 10 cm (2 by 4 in) in size. The clamp is applied to the nipple and the spring tension holds the clamp in place. The clamp usually provides a very high pain level, and is usually only used by more advanced users. To increase tension on the nipples, small weights such as fishing line sinkers can be attached to the ends of the clamp. As increased pulling tension is applied to the clamp, it will cause the jaws of the clamp to close tighter, depending on the amount of pull pressure. Another method is to use the clamps to keep a person in one place. If cord is tied from the clamp to a fixed place, the wearer of the clamps cannot move away because the clamps will tighten as they move. Eventually the clamps would be pulled off the nipples but not before considerable pain is felt.